This morning, while studying online here, I was given the assignment of giving myself permission to do something. The instruction was to write it on a post-it note so after much contemplation, I did. I wondered what I could give myself permission to do since I can basically do whatever I want to do anyway. And then it hit me and I wrote down this: You have permission to Face Reality. I sensed a feeling of discontent with my life yesterday while I was on a college visit with my son. We were at the music conservatory at UMKC. The dean of the college spoke eloquently about the role of the Arts in Kansas City. He sold us on the desire of the staff to want to help each young student become the best he or she could be. Even though I wouldn't say that school had the best, most glamorous facilities, the words that man spoke made me believe that it would be a wonderful place for Max to go. We had gone there for Max to audition for the performing arts program. Alayna, his music teacher from school....and also our family friend and neighbor.... went with us. We met his voice coach there. As Max was warming up in a very small practice room, it touched my heart because he was surrounded by love and support....the love of his mother, the support, respect and admiration of a teacher and friend, and the encouragement of a coach. What a gift to have someone who believes in you and to be encouraged in following your dream....what a gift in even knowing what your dream is. When the audition was over , his voice instructor, who is an alumni of the school, took us ona tour. She showed us the buildings, she pointed out the classrooms and she gave us a explanantion of each instructor who would be a part of Max's life if he chose to be there. I noticed as we came to each closed office door...afterall it was Saturday, they all had one thing in common......a placard with their name and title on it.....and that is all. Each name was given a little positive blurb by a woman who each person had touched in some way. It was nice but I didn't really get it until we went outside and as we were walking through campus, I looked up. I looked up and saw a flower growing in an office window in February. I looked up and saw stacks of papers piled high, the backs of picture frames, statues. I saw blinds open and blinds shut. All of a sudden, those closed doors with the nice little stories became real people. People who are out in the world making a difference, touching lives, passing the torch....being alive. Doing things, going places. I felt a rush of exhileration as I remembered my college days and the hope I had to make a diiference and I realized that I am still that same person.....still full of hope....only now with a lifetime of experiences to share. I felt a sense of discontent with coming home......it made me want to get out, meet new people, do new things, share my vast wisdom.....suck in new experiences and knowledge.....I know that will never happen being where I am....doing what I am doing. For all the struggling and soul searching I have endured the past few years, yesterday was the first time....literally the very frst time that I have considered that a change of scenery would be a good thing. My life is safe and familiar. I'm not so sure that is the way life is supposed to be lived. the thought of moving on and experiencing new life is amazing. I'm going to have to take notes on my thoughts because I don't want them to get dropped by the wayside. As I contemplate my boys leaving and venturing out in the world, it scares the shit out of me. It's only 3 years until Sam will be gone....then what? Sometimes, this scripture comes to my mind. Particulary this:
“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.
It became apparent to me yesterday that's exactly what I have been doing....laying by the pool...waiting for someone to come along and help me up when actually I can get up by myself and that's what I intend to do. It's easy to lay and dream, It's not so easy to get up and do..... but isn't it exciting?? I sure as hell think so. My kids should feel empowered to leave and not worry about leaving poor mom at home alone. They should feel empowered by my energy. That's the legacy I would like to leave with them. So today I have given myself permission to face reality and that's enough.
peace and love to you!