You know what is missing from my life right now? Creativity. I used to make things. I used to have an interest in being creative and I was good at it! I haven't felt that for awhile now. It's just not there. I've been thinking about this for weeks. I can't remember the last time I got an idea and made something wonderful. The only thing that sounds remotely interesting is starting a landscaping project next spring. I foresee lots of flowers and shrubs and vegetables. I think I could make a kick ass landscaped yard and grow lots of food. I've always wanted to learn to can in the fall. That would be awesome!! We will see how strong that desire is in a few months. Maybe today I will make a vision board. Gluing cut out pictures on a poster board is being creative, isn't it? Maybe after I talk with the counselor today, I will feel inspired. Maybe he will kick my ass into gear. There is nothing that makes me feel better about myself than talking with someone who i feel is a dumbshit. Usually when I talk to counselors I feel superior and that they are idiots. Strange! My problems seem minuscule as I verbalize them. I'm hoping this guy can help me realize the thoughts going through my mind on a consistent basis are silly. And I am ok so I can change focus. Or maybe jumping out of the airplane on Monday will be life changing. I honestly can't believe I'm gonna do that. I can not comprehend it. Maybe I will feel powerful and refreshed after that. Maybe I will be creative and make a list of all the negative emotions and thought patterns I think and throw them out of the plane first. Just let them go in that instant so I can get back to being me and feeling good. We are what we think about, right? Right now I just feel blah. Going through the motions and making life more difficult than it has to be for myself. There is something not right for the survivors of alcoholism. It leaves you numb and feeling guilt. Living with someone who I could never reason with and save, makes me feel guilty and weak. Losing someone I lived with for so long because of poor life choices makes me feel ashamed and sad yet relieved. Never admitting how hurt and conflicted my emotions are is stifling. It cuts off creativity and pleasurable desires. It has put me at a stand still where the only focus is getting through this day. This hour. So here is to purging. Letting go. Facing the demons. Overcoming. Living. Creating something......Anything.
Peace, people. Enjoy your day.