Since we last spoke, things haven’t gone so well. I’ve been struggling to get my groove back. Waiting to see what fucked up shit is going to happen next. This post isn’t meant to bring you down because i honestly feel I am on an upward swing now. So.....within a few weeks of starting my dream job at the spa, i was so motivated that I replanted all the flower beds in my yard. Man! It felt amazing and I was so excited and then? I broke out in oak mite bites and within days my arms were bleeding and raw from all the scratching I had done. Oak mite bites suck. I had to take the week off. Then the following week, my beautiful daughter found out she was having a baby boy due in February and oh, how we celebrated. She had longed for that baby for years. 2 days after we planned her baby shower, I was summoned to the hospital where I witnessed her give birth to my grandson, Silas Ellis. He was born too soon and didn’t survive and that was the most agonizing experience ce of my life. I have never felt so helpless. I mean what do you do? There is no way to put a positive twist on that. I laid in bed and cried for days on end. I still cry.. I just pray for my daughter and try to be there for her when she needs me....which isn’t often enough. Through all of that, my son started having relationship problems and that was stressful and still is. I mean as a mom you just want your kids to be happy and blessed and to see them in so much pain and struggling is devastating. I pray for him too. I pray for all my kids I’ve come to realize that I am kind of a control freak. I want to fix things. I want smooth sailing for everyone. It’s been frustrating for me to realize I actually don’t hold that super power. I so wish I did. I’ve heard it said that a mother can only be as happy as her unhappiest child and that is true. The good thing about shit shows is that they are cyclical and if anyone can handle one, its me. I think we are on the upswing. I was really dreading the holidays but last weekend my son, Asa came over and suggested we go get a tree so we did and he decorated it and things have been rather delightful since then. I just keep trying to think about Jesus Christ and His plan and endless mercy. Those are the best thoughts. I write down 5 things I’m thankful for in the morning even if sometimes all I can think of to write is my toothbrush. I’ve been intentionally working out and trying to appreciate my body which feels like it has been hit by a train. That’s the thing about stress...it’s not good and it makes you sick. Movement is good even when you have to force yourself to do it. I found myself lately spending way to much time playing games on my phone and that brought on more tension...trying to get to the next level is stressful. I started to notice the tension in my abdomen and neck with each move so I decided I needed to delete the damn game. It took me two weeks to finally do it. I deleted it last night and today I am feeling rather lost so here I am with extra time to write to you. Sometimes it just helps to let it all out. Other stress relievers?? I deleted a group on facebook that was not bringing me joy....the police scanner page. With every notification, i wondered if it involve some bad news about somebody I love. It’s gone and i don’t have to worry about it any more. My goal is peace. I just keep thinking about the number 1 success principle....”You are 100 % responsible for your life” If you don’t like the way things are going, change them. So I am picking up the pieces and changing my mindset from fear and worry to peace and love. And realizing I can’t fix anyone’s problems but my own. I can be supportive and loving but I can’t fix anything. And even though I have resorted to eating bags of reece’s Peanut butter cups every day, I don’t have to do that today. Sometimes I like to think of times like these as a pruning process......like cutting everything back so you can grow....flourish! It’s possible. It would nice to come out of this smelling like a fucking rose. I think that’s what will happen. Even through the shitty parts, life is still good and I’m thankful to be here. What about you?? I hope each of you are blessed and enjoying this holiday season. The days have been beautiful, Haven’t they? I actually do have some fun stuff to share with you in the next couple of days. Once again....rising up....because honestly.....what else is a girl suppose to do??
Today, I am thankful for coffee, a hot shower, a good nights sleep, my toothbrush....and YOU!!
peace and love!!