I would be telling you a big ol lie if I said this year started off well for me. I was sick...in Texas...with my boyfriend. I was really sick. I spiked a fever of 103.....and I slept through the entire getaway. When I got home, I called my daughter and told her i needed to go to the hospital. I was crying and in pain and actually thought maybe this was the end. She’s a paramedic and immediately drove to my house with her stethoscope in hand and all her medical expertise. She said, “Have you thought about just going to the doctor?” And I was like....”no” so we went to the doctor. he said I possibly tore a cartilage in my ribs and gave me an antibiotic and miraculously I’m all better! I found myself amazingly thankful that I don’t get sick very often because I don’t handle it well. I decided after a couple days of laying in bed that I was bored so in an effort to build stamina, I cleaned out my closets. Man! Did I purge. I cleaned my closets, my dressers and everything in my room that had to do with only me. I have kind of been going through a funk. I’ve been watching the Golden Girls and laughing because they are so darn funny but during one episode I realized that the character Betty White plays is the same age as me. I had to rewind that scene like 4 times and try to wrap my head around that concept. I mean WTH. Those are old ladies in that program. I don’t feel that old. It got me to thinking about what the hell I am doing. I mean really. Who am I? Then I started thinking about all the time I spend alone and kind of like it....but don’t really want to be alone thinking about life and never really doing anything.....and then I started thinking about all the things I haven’t done but want to do...and wondering how I’m going to do them and how exactly I am going to leave a legacy on the earth because I was here. I guess that’s when I decided that getting rid of 75 per cent of my wardrobe was a good place to start. I literally have no clothes now.....I even threw out all my underwear. How’s that for a fresh start? I’m feeling pretty good about it. I usually kind of go through some seasonal depression. I don’t like winter. This year I have been trying to remember that winter is a time of rest. A time to recharge our busy lives and relax and eat warm comforting foods and gear up for spring and summer and fall when life is better and more fun. So I guess a little housekeeping and purging is a good way to clear space for what’s to come. anyway, I started this year sick and naked and contemplating life. THEN....I ventured out of the house with Sam. We got to where we were going and when we got in the car to return home, I realized I had a flat tire. My initial reaction was “Fuck. Who can I call? Why in the hell did I cancel my AAA membership?” And then I thought about all the people who were complaining about how shitty this year has started. It was in that second I realized that I am roughly 20,000 days old and of those 20,000 days, I’ve probably had maybe 5 flat tires....a I actually can’t remember ever having one but I’m sure I must have had 5 or more....who knows. Then I was thankful for all the days i didn’t have a flat tire and I regained my composure and got out the owner’s manual for my car and talked Sam through changing a tire. I decided that day that THIS is going to be the best year ever! My body is strong and can overcome sickness, I am capable of letting go of things that don’t bring me joy like old T-shirt’s and underwear and by golly, a flat tire isn’t shit. I’m excited! I have started thinking about all the successes I have accomplished which are many. I’m pretty sure I can do whatever I set my mind to....and it’s a good feeling. I guess being 55 years young has some advantages. You learn things and grow and kind of realize what works and what doesn’t and what’s important. So maybe being the same age as a golden girl isn’t all that bad. You know?? Last night I went to a gathering of women. I like to reach out and meet new women. We started out by introducing ourselves and telling a little story about what is going on in our lives. I cringed when it was my turn. I just thought what do I have to say that anyone would want to hear but I faked it and told a little blurb about starting the year with a flat tire. After our meeting a lady came up to me and she said, “YOU are an excellent storyteller!” She said she wished I had talked longer and asked if I ever do any public speaking. She totally caught me off guard. I was so honored. I told her no and that I am actually quite scared of speaking in public. She said she couldn’t believe that and I should try it because I have a gift. The funny thing about that is 7 years ago when Kevin died, i thought about all the things that I really wanted to do. The first thing that popped into my head was “I want to be a motivational speaker.” I quickly disregarded that thought because I have anxiety and it’s scary........but I’ve never forgotten it. So the words that lady said to me last night really meant so much to me. Pretty much every day I am thankful that I have hope. Today I am thankful for that hope I’ve carried in my heart. I mean really. Maybe I do have a story to tell and maybe someone would really like to hear it. All thing possible! Here’s to 2019!
Peace and love to you, friends!