So I had a crushing blow the summer with the loss of my dear mother. It was a strange deal. My business had really started to take off and I was relishing on possibly being successful for once in my life. My mom called and said he had fallen and I was so put out with her.like really put out that I had to put my life on hold and go help her. I wasn't nice at all. It's funny how we as humans can take so much for granted sometimes....especially people who are so important to us. A few days after her fall, I went to pick her up at her house to take her to a follow up doctors appt and found her naked and lying in bed basically unconscious. I called 911. She had developed a brain bleed and it all went downhill from there. She was rushed to the hospital, lifeflighted to a bigger hospital and I followed....panic stricken. Man. I was filled with remorse for leaving her alone and being so incredibly selfish. My mom was never the same after that....and neither was I. I had a hard time leaving her side. I feel like the time we spent together in her last month of life was very healing for me. She didn't annoy me. I felt great and genuine love for her. I felt compassion and a willingness to do whatever it took to help her through this time of trial. I slept in a chair by her side and would still be there now if she needed me. I experienced a strength inside my soul that I didn't know was there. When she finally passed, I was proud of her for being my mother and felt a love for her that was stronger than I ever imagined. The funny thing is that with her brain damage, she didn't know who I was. She thought I was her sister, Peggy. I didn't even mind. She created the life she had always wanted.....she was living in a fantasy world. She told the nurses that she had a lifelong career as a nurse and loved every minute of it. She told them she had gotten her college degree at Wichita State, she lived in a apartment with her boyfriend who she adored and she drove a red toyota....all things that her soul desired but none of which were true. She was delightedly funny and entertained the hospital staff on a daily basis with her quick wit and infectious smile. She, on her deathbed, was living her dream life and I loved seeing her content and pleased with herself. Before she was to be discharged, the doctors wanted to go in a relieve the bleeding in her brain. I followed her to the surgery waiting room and the doctors explained to her what would be taking place in the surgery. After they left, my mom looked at me and gave me a thumbs up. She said, "this is a good thing!" I kissed her on the lips and said, "I love you mom!" She said, "I love you....Shari.....more than you will ever know" then we parted ways. I waited and waited for the doctors to come out and tell me everything went well. They said it would be an hour. I kind of knew something was up when an hour went by and then 2 and then 3 hours later, 2 physicians came out to talk to me. It didn't go well at all. she had suffered a major stroke and was non responsive. So we....my brother and his wife and my aunt Peggy and other family members and friends....sat with her for 10 more days while her body caught up with her brain. I was with her when she eventually passed. She suffered no pain and was surrounded by LOVE and as far as deaths go, she truly was blessed and highly favored. I may have a warped perception on death. I truly believe she is still with me but physically in another dimension and I haven't felt the need to feel bad for her....or myself. We had a beautiful thing while she was here and I believe it is my higher calling to live more and do more while I am left here on planet earth. To love more fiercely and appreciate more fully the people who cross my path. I feel called to honor my mom's life by truly living a great life and doing things that would make her proud. It is what I would want my kids to do for me! Sometimes that makes so much sense and other times I just feel weird about it because it doesn't seem normal. Where's the sorrow and grief? I just don't feel it. I feel inspired to give it all I got while I still can. My mom always believed in me. She believed I could do anything and everything. I'd love to prove her right. Thats my goal. I will say that I have gotten way off track on all my goals.....I've been eating out since basically the first of July. I have not exercised. My mind has been pretty numb....traumatized actually. I feel pretty darn gross I hired a life coach to help me find a reason to get out of bed because I could have laid there for a long time like I did after Kevin died. I love talking to her and being accountable to someone. She has helped me on so many levels....the first one being finding the energy to clean up my house. Seems weird to hire a life coach for something so basic but it sure beats going to the doctor and getting a prescripton for anti depressants. I am actually looking into Life Coaching schools because I would love to help and inspire other people as my gal has helped me. I think it would be a good thing! I'm all about transformation! One thing I have learned about crushing blows is that it is possible to rise up. I think that's why I love watching boxing on TV with my boys. I love to see people get up after being knocked down. It's a lot like life in general, you know? I can guarantee you that I am fighting for the championship belt in this lifetime. In the ring of life I am a fighter. So miraculously I''m just getting up and one day I will hold that belt above my head and jump up on the ropes and declare victory.....just like the championship boxers always do and I will hear the roar of the crowd and I'll take it all in and know that the battle was worth it. So to my mom I'd like to say, "thank you for inspiring me.....in life and in death. I will carry you with me whoever I go and we will do great things"
One thing I have talked to my life coach about is wanting to blog more and share more. Blogging inspires me. I love to write to you, my faithful readers. So hopefully it will happen! Here's to all things possible!
peace and love to you